You've Got a Friend in Me
Hi friends,
I hope everyone had a terrific and productive November and Thanksgiving holiday, if you celebrate.
I’ve been pecking away at my NaNoWriMo project, and NOT working on my memoir, so I have no new chapters to share, and I may not for another month or two. December is my month to reflect, realign, and recharge my batteries. Writing will happen, but not under pressure. I’ve got cookies to bake and a few house projects that need doing, plus some fun editing work for clients.
I know that many of my readers are also writers, so I offer this month’s newsletter as a little snack for the season. Actually, it’s pretty long, so maybe it’s a full meal. Either way, I hope it helps nourish you on your writing journey.
I am contacted almost every week by people who want to write their memoir, or who are blocked, or who need help in some way with the book they’re writing or want to write.
When people reach out to me for help or connection, it’s not something I take lightly. I know how hard it is to bear the weight of a story unwritten.
And I know how difficult it can be to ask for help. Writing is hard enough - but NOT writing? Much harder.
Back when I was not writing, but pregnant with my second baby and managing a library department and stressed out of my gourd, my good friend had a friend who wanted to write a book, and they asked me if I could take a look at what they had so far.
I agreed, and I received a first-draft of a story from this friend-of-a-friend. And it was fine, typical first-draft stuff, a little more telling than showing, nothing that couldn’t be edited, tweaked, rearranged. It could have been good with more work.
But the thing is, back then I hadn’t developed the vocabulary or understanding of the writing process yet.
I’d done plenty of academic writing, but I’d never written a first-draft of a book. I knew nothing about editing, or story structure, or voice. These things were invisible to me as a reader, and I couldn’t articulate what needed work in the draft as a writer to a writer.
I’m sure what I offered wasn’t much help at all, and may have even discouraged her from going further. I totally fumbled the ball.
I really wish I could have been a better writing friend to this person.
It still bugs me to this day.
So now that I’m finally on the path, I try to be a decent writing friend, offering support, advice, and resources to writers who reach out to me.
I did it for years as a librarian, and I plan on doing it for many more years as a writer. Like, you can’t be a librarian without the natural impulse to help people, and that impulse certainly didn’t go away when I left my job.
Plus, the positive energy that I put out to writers and creatives is the exact same energy that I need for myself from time to time. A bank of goodwill and support is not a bad thing to create, and you only do it by being generous of spirit and heart.
As NaNoWriMo winds down I feel pretty good about the progress I’ve made so far on my script project this month.
But then, I re-watched the pilot episode of Six Feet Under, thinking it would help me as I peck my way through a screenplay.
The pilot sets everything up so perfectly. The entire show is a thing of beauty.
We watched the series twenty years ago and I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard at a final episode of any TV show, ever. It affected me for months, I’m telling you.
If I’m being really honest, watching it again with the eye and ear of a writer - it threw me right off my horse for a week or so. To write a TV show even 1/10th that excellent would be a feat of unimaginable talent that I feel is way, way out of my grasp.
However! I also felt like this when I was struggling to write my first book.
Heck, I felt like this when I tried to write my first 5-page college paper as a 25-year old freshman. I’d almost failed out of high school, and I really thought for a while that I couldn’t do it.
But I did.
Is it easy? No.
Is it worth it? YES.
What I’ve learned about writing over these past many years is that no one shows up to the page automatically brilliant the first time they try to write something. It takes time to draft, to find your voice, your style, your point. Especially in a new format.
And, isn’t that the point of writing?
Sure, it’s to share stories and enrich humanity - but you can’t do that unless you keep working toward that thing that’s just out of your grasp. To push against the deep and hard places of resistance while being vulnerable on the page. To expand the definition of what you thought possible for yourself.
That’s what writing is.
It’s GROWTH.
Like, if you have an idea for a book or a screenplay and you can’t shake it, or a storyline that keeps nagging you, or you have characters talking to you, begging you for attention, or maybe you’ve wanted to write a memoir or a self-help book for years - the truth of the matter is it’s your job to do the work and write the thing that ONLY YOU CAN WRITE. How you feel about it, what you think of yourself or your writing - kind of doesn’t matter.
I’m here to tell you: You wouldn’t have the impulse to do it if you couldn’t do it.
You shouldn’t argue with the thing that’s bugging you because it’s your higher self, your intuition, telling you that you CAN do it.
Your intuitive higher self is smarter than your logical, linear brain.
It knows you better than you do. It wants you to grow, and to succeed. Your logical, fear-based brain will try to sabotage it with excuses and resistance.
To NOT listen to that intuition is a kind of self-betrayal. It leads to a kind of regret and heartbreak that will reverberate out into your life and affect your future self.
Your future self is depending on your current self to make good decisions.
The simple truth is: You become a better writer - by writing. You also become a better writer by trusting your intuition, your higher self.
And, look, even the most brilliant and experienced writers sometimes struggle with all the things new writers struggle with.
The difference is that experienced writers know what's on the other side of the doubt and fear. They keep working.
And so, you get back on the horse and keep going. Regardless of NaNoWritMo, regardless of what others think, and no matter how long it takes.
Go fast. Go slow. Just don’t quit.
One of the many things I’m most grateful for these past few years are the relationships and friendships I’ve found with other writers.
It’s been shocking to me actually, because I wasn’t expecting the amount of love and support that came my way once I started to commit to the idea that I could be a writer.
I’ve always been hyper-independant and really hate asking for help, or depending on other people for anything. My friend circle has always been lean, and it’s gotten even more so as I’ve gotten older.
My extended family had a dynamic of people who judged, took offense easily, overreacted, and who were snarky at others’ success and happiness, and it always made me feel icky. So, I removed myself from all that as a teenager. I removed myself from other people’s expectations of me. I figured out early on that I wasn’t responsible for anyone else’s feelings.
That instinct allowed me to keep my dignity, learn something, move along with my life, and just be genuinely happy for people. Who needs the drama, negativity and baggage, you know? It’s exhausting carrying that shit around.
I think they call this Lone Wolf Syndrome, but I also now know it is a trauma response from an impoverished and unstable childhood, where I was left feeling disappointed much of the time.
As I grew older, my goal in life was to not disappoint MYSELF.
This Lone Wolf outlook served me well for a long time. It’s kept me out of a lot of trouble and heartache, emotionally. But once I had the courage to start writing and telling my story, I realized - this lone-wolfing it isn’t going to work. I needed help, I needed advice, I needed just one person who had done it to tell me that I could do it.
Writers need other writers.
When I found that one person, I made great progress. And as I made progress on my path, it became apparent that I needed to pay it forward in some way - to engage with, support, cheer on, help, coach, soft-shoulder and warm-hug other writers as much as I can.
Writing is a solitary thing - it gets lonely and a little scary out on the rocky and steep trail of creation. When you come across another writer who offers you a cold drink of water, or a sandwich - well, you appreciate it beyond just simple gratitude.
Sometimes it feels like they are saving your life.
My first true writing friend was Lauren Sapala, and she did all of those things for me way back when I first really started writing my memoir almost 10 years ago.
And if you resonate with the message of trusting your higher self, your intuition, her new book is pretty amazing.
It’s called Writing on the Intuitive Side of the Brain, with a foreword by Jacob Nordby.
(He’s amazing, too! The Creative Cure is a true modern classic for all artists, in my opinion.)
I read Lauren’s new book last week, and I was reminded of all the reasons why I love her and her work. The new book felt like a warm hug from an old friend.
Over the years, Lauren has been a huge force of good in my life. She had faith in me that I didn’t even have in myself, and she backed it up with action - by asking me to teach workshops, referring clients to me for coaching or editing services, or helping me promote my stuff.
I know that if I’m stuck on something or need advice - she is one amongst the very few people I’d reach out to. In a world of inauthenticity, duplicity, incongruent actions and words - she’s never let me down. Never left a hello unanswered. Never left me wondering if I was being an idiot, even though many times I’m sure I was.
Sometime in life, I’ve found that you can be your bestest, warmest, most genuine self to people, and they’ll still reject you.
As a writer, it’s going to happen ALL THE TIME. Even with people who at first seemed like they wanted to help.
And as much as it hurts, you have to remember that they may not be vibrating on the same energetic plane as you, or they don’t have the capacity - whatever.
I never hold on to hard feelings about rejection - not for long at least. In today’s world with all of the shit going on, who knows what people are really going through? Life is messy for all of us, sometimes.
It’s just best to move on and thank the Universe for the clarity.
The truth is - the ones that reject you are doing you a favor.
They are clearing the path so that you can attract the kind of writing friends who don’t make you feel bad.
It's best to work with people who want to work with you.
You choose the people who choose you.
Your writing friends are important. They will help carry you.
If you haven’t found a few writing friends yet - I encourage you to keep trying. I’ve found many of my friends through Lauren, various workshops and classes, online, and from my silly little Instagram account. It’s been so rewarding to connect with like-minded people from all over the world.
And until you find your writing people, I encourage you to check out Lauren’s website, subscribe to her newsletter, read her articles, sign up for one of her amazing classes - and definitely, definitely check out her new book.
Writing on the Intuitive Side of the Brain.
—
Not long after the publication of Adventures of a Metalhead Librarian, a music journalist and author, Christopher Long, reached out to me for a promo copy of my book for his upcoming review column. He was super-enthusiastic about it, and I was flattered at all the good things he had to say.
Over the next few years, he gave me all kinds of great coverage for the book - reviews, interviews, social media blasts and podcast appearances. He touted me to one of the publications he writes for, who asked me to write a feature and offered me more work.
Everyone needs a writing friend like Christopher Long.
Anyways, he is working on his fifth book right now, and it’s got a terrific theme and premise. Initially, he asked me to edit the book for him to get it ready to shop to agents and publishers.
He put together a terrific book proposal package, and I was so impressed by the care and professionalism he put into it. He started querying agents and mid-level publishers, hoping to find a home for it.
But then, he came up with a really interesting idea. It was something I’d been thinking about doing even before he brought it up.
And, so, I agreed to consider it because really, I want what is best for him and this project, and it sounded like fun. We put no timeline on it as he still had active queries pending.
Querying and rejection are part and parcel of traditional publishing. One must expect it along the way. And you can say it doesn’t matter, but it stings sometimes. It’s a really low-energy place to dwell, and it has stymied many writers.
But again - I try to think of it as a positive. Rejections are just clearing the way.
Once you cut the dead weight of rejections - you start to float.
Chris wrote me the sweetest and nicest email a few days ago. And it came at the perfect time and with a perfect message.
In short, the message was: Let’s publish this book.
You choose the people who choose you.
His new book, Garage Sale Vinyl, based on his wildly popular column at INK19.com, will debut in late Spring 2024.
I’ll be acting as editor and publisher, and I’m excited to have it debut with my Bibliozona Books label on it.
–
And so, over these past few years, my circle of writing friends has expanded.
My friend Lilly has an awesome screenplay in development and just won a nice contest for the script. My other friend Judi is currently shopping her pilot, with good responses so far. Another friend has her memoir being developed into a TV show.
My friend Todd had me look at his book manuscript a couple of years ago and I was so blown away by it, I cried - and it’s now done and ready for publication.
I am so grateful that I’ve made these connections and gotten to know these writers. I love bearing witness to their growth and success - because it means my success is possible.
It’s possible for all of us. And we need each other.
–
At the very center of my circle of writing friends is my husband, Jim.
Except, he’s not a writer. He’s a scientist.
We met in early 1993, and when we moved into our first apartment later that year, he brought home a brand new computer for me, set it up on an old desk, and proclaimed it my writing space. It took me almost 20 years to finally start writing for real.
We attended college together at ASU, and as we were finishing up, he is the one who suggested I become a librarian. It was obvious to him, since I loved books, was always at the library, and wanted to be a writer. Librarianship was kind of the next-best thing. He was thrilled when I was accepted to UCLA for my graduate degree.
He is much more of a TV watcher than I’ve ever been. He’s an expert on pop-culture stuff that I have no clue about - Marvel Universe, Star Wars (way beyond the first three, which are still the best IMHO) and other things, like graphic novels, anime, comic books, and he listens to audiobooks while on his long bikes and hikes - so when we talk story, or scenes, or structure, or character, he understands.
Ten years ago, when we were looking at buying a house again after the crash of 2008, we could have bought a bigger, more expensive house - but once I floated out that hey, what if I want to quit my job and write full time? - He was on board with the house that we could afford on one income.
And when I had finally reached the end of my rope in 2021 after years of suffering through a toxic work environment, corrupt city politics, and a deranged library director - he was supportive.
“Fuck those people,” he said. “You’ve given them enough. Write your books.”
Besides our two children - it’s the single greatest gift I’ve ever received.
I put in my notice a few weeks later.
And because we’d been thinking of this possibility for years, the adjustment down to one income wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Truth is, every decision we ever made financially was based on a one-income scenario. We were both raised to be savers in working-class households.
Jim works a highly technical and mentally demanding job as a scientist, and he does it not only to support our family - but to support my dream. OUR DREAM. He wants this for us as much as I want it.
He’s always put me first, even over his own happiness. And he’s backed it up with action, and words, every single day.
You choose the people who choose you.
We made that choice almost 31 years ago, and he has been my constant and unwavering champion ever since. I definitely wouldn’t be doing this now if he hadn’t been encouraging me for decades.
He is literally the only person I’ve ever depended on as an adult.
So, as we wind out this month of gratitude and NaNoWriMo and head into December to rest and reflect, I want to dedicate this one to Jimbo.
My husband, my lover, my baby daddy, my ride-or-die - and most of all, the very best writing friend I’ve ever had.
Thank you, Jim. Thank you for everything.
And thank you, everyone, for allowing me to haunt your inbox every so often.
See you in December.
And as always, if you need a writing friend, or have any questions or comments, feel free to reach out to me at annamarieobrien@gmail.com. I love hearing from you.
Big love,
AMO
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