Undertow

Going Crone - This is for the Ladies

2025 has been a hell of a year so far, but one thing I know is that it’s going to be transformational for ALL OF US as it unfolds.

–

I read recently that there are only four species on earth that experience menopause - Whales, Elephants, Giraffes…and humans. One theory - the “Grandmother Hypothesis" - is that given an extended life-span, menopause evolved to enable older females who are no longer fertile to assist their children in raising the next generation. In other words, menopause is a unique adaptation which increases the odds of species survival. The grandmothers, the crones, have wisdom and experience to pass along to the next generations.

I didn’t know either of my grandma’s really well. One passed away when I was seven, the other moved away when I was eight. I had good grandmother substitutes, though. My husbands’ grandmothers were terrific. Sit around and play a few hands of Gin Rummy with an 85-year old and you will LEARN things. One of them being - if they want a pour of bourbon, or a dish of butter pecan ice cream while visiting or playing cards - you always say yes.

–

I’d like to think that humans are as smart as the other three mammals, but lately I’m not so sure.

Now that I have landed on Magical Menopause Island, there are days I feel dumb. Just dumb. And clumsy. Like, why am I standing in my pantry and what am I looking for, again? Why can’t I get more than four solid hours of sleep? And why do I have this weird bruise?

I’ve always understood that this phase of life is not only an evolution, but a HUGE recalibration.

Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And it can take some time, Going Crone.

I didn’t understand until recently that there is an adjustment period into the Crone phase. I know it settles down eventually, but right now it all looks like and feels like a damn big hot mess - and that’s what it is. And that’s where I’m at.

I saw a series of posts on Threads from an account called kara.is.still.ticking and I wrote down most of it because it was a real “a-ha” moment for me. This reset my thinking in many ways:

• Hot flashes are not about being hot: it’s about BURNING AWAY THE PEOPLE PLEASING PATTERNS THAT NO LONGER SERVE YOU. Holy shit. I’d also add that it’s the hot fire of TRUTH in your throat, burning to be spoken.

• 3am Wakeups: it’s your body saying “Hey remember all the times YOU SAID YES WHEN YOU REALLY MEANT NO? Wake Up! It’s OK to say NO. In fact, you must.

• Mood Swings? You’re not moody: YOU’RE DONE. Done swallowing your rage. Managing other’s feelings. Managing all the details. Making yourself smaller. Keeping the peace. You’re not hormonal, you’re righteously ANGRY. (and might I add, TIRED)

• Brain fog, memory problems? YOU’RE DELETING YOUR PROGRAMMING and anything that no longer serves you. You’re clearing space for your actual desires. You’re finally prioritizing your needs. Your memory isn’t failing - it’s being selective about WHAT REALLY MATTERS. (Again, holy shit.)

• Menopause is about liberation and truth. You stop apologizing for everything. You quit managing everyone’s comfort. You call out bullshit. You honor your own rhythms, live your values, and speak your truth. Which can be a bit incendiary at times to those who aren’t ready for it.

(hint: not your problem)

Honestly, I’ve been waiting for this phase my whole life. I’m READY. And I’m so grateful to be here.

–

As we women go through these adjustment periods, it’s so important to have grace for yourself.

Grace for your own struggles, for your coping methods, for the time it takes to get things done. Especially if you’re an artist or a writer or creator and ALSO a parent or caregiver - sometimes life sucks you into the undertow and you lose momentum. You lose the thread, the point, the story. Your voice.Your nerve.

This is where I’m at, lately. Floating along with the current. Not wanting to struggle. Not sure how to proceed with this Substack. Not sure of my point. Not sure of my value to you. Not sure of the stories I should share or what my responsibility is to my “audience”. Not sure how much of my books, or myself to share. Not sure how to “market” myself, and frankly, I’m tired of trying. I could write about three dozen different topics with ease. Not sure I can pick one. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll continue to wing it. Substack is nice, but it’s just another thing that distracts me in a world of distractions. I’ve been at this for almost four years, and I’m not sure there is a payoff, other than knowing I’ve written a lot of words here and made fun connections.

Book progress? Does it matter to anyone but me? I’ve been working on my Papa project, mostly. Researching. Writing to historical societies. Finding more sources. My computer took a big dump, so there was a delay (and a minor heart attack at realizing it) in reloading my files to a new machine. I realize that I need to beg someone in Ohio for a library card number so I can research a few newspapers that are only held in local digital collections and not in the fancy Newspapers.com archive that I splurged on recently.

Meanwhile, I’ve had almost a dozen people contact me in the last eight weeks about help with their books - either editing, coaching, formatting, a publishing deal, a partnership - and I’ve only said yes to a few small things because I want to keep my schedule open.

Priorities: MY Life happens first. Then my writing. Then someone else’s writing.

–

Recently, I had a member of a metal band from back in the day contact me through a friend. They’d written a book to “set the record straight” and wanted to get it published. We had a great round of emails, and a terrific phone conversation, and I felt like we understood each other.

We agreed on terms, I sent a contract, and then…nothing. He ghosted me. Four weeks of nothing. And this was a friend of a friend!

You know, in the past - I wouldn’t have followed up. Silence speaks volumes - and I get the message. Not worth my time. But this time, it struck me differently. He actually wasted my time. This is what Going Crone looks like:

Dear xx,

I’ll take from your non-response that there was something that you found unacceptable in our communications regarding your book project. When you indicated that you wanted everything in writing and we agreed on terms - I sent a contract based on those terms. Did this piss you off in some way? Did I assume something incorrectly from our conversation and emails? I do my very best to be understanding and flexible. I was super-excited about the project. The contract was a starting point, nothing more.

Still, I can’t help but feel that you did me a huge favor.

How you treat people really does matter. You don’t know me, and I’m good with not knowing you. But I’ll tell you - that’s some bush-league childish behavior by a grown man. No response? No - “hey, I’ve decided to go a different direction…?” Or “hey, I need a few more weeks to get my shit together?”

Silence? It’s a coward’s way out. It’s not the way I deal with people, and it shouldn’t be yours either.

Best of luck to you.

AMO

—

Good manners and courtesy are everything. Honesty is EVERYTHING. Being up-front saves so much time, energy, and emotion. And at this stage of Going Crone, I give zero fucks about saying so.

–

I’ve mentioned before, my girl is going to college this year, and my boy will start driving. The super-intense “mom years” are fading and it feels like I’m emerging from the fog of war. A good war. A blessed war. Totally worth it, but WOW, what an experience. My husband and I marvel at these kids and how fast it went. We are both getting a little misty at times, knowing what the next few years will be like. It’ll be back to the two of us, back to the beginning.

So, we’re going to enjoy our time as a family. Going to shows. Travelling. Family visits. Experiences together. I’m not going to feel guilty for not writing faster, better, more strategically. I’ll find my footing again. I’m not worried. I’ve been at this long enough to know the truth.

And the truth is: The undertow is part of the creative process at times. At some point I’ll break away and swim to shore. I’ve got a life jacket. There is no danger. Only I can decide how long to be in the water.

No need to struggle. I’m going to enjoy the undertow while Going Crone. There is wisdom in the surrender.

See you in the water, or maybe on the shore

.