Seasons in the Abyss

THE METALHEAD LIBRARIAN RIDES AGAIN

~2000 words / 15 minute read~

Looking back on it, I guess you could call it a Midlife Crisis.

I quit my library job and became a Swiftie.

Four years ago when I left my library career, we were just coming off of lockdowns, my kids were entering a new high school and a new middle school after missing 18 months of in-person learning, and I was burned to complete ash from an intense, ongoing situation at work.

While listening to me describe another average crazy day at the library, my husband finally said to me:

“Seriously, babe. Fuck that place. When can you quit? Can we make it work for a while?”

I had been back full time at the library for three years after coming off of breast cancer. I was taking into account a pension, benefits, vacation days, all that, after almost eighteen years. It wasn’t a decision we made lightly.

And also the fact: this was a career that I had once loved. I’d invested a lot of myself into the pursuit of it. I was proud of my work. The thought of NOT being a librarian anymore bummed me out.

It really came down to this: was the good paycheck and benefits worth my health, happiness, and sanity? Was it worth the risk of getting sick again?

I mean, we still had kids to finish raising. And between my cancer, and then Covid - they’d been through some shit. As a family, we had some new priorities. We decided to call it a sabbatical.

Going down to one income for a while was weird, but doable. Just doable.

I left the job six weeks later.

–

I’ve never in my life walked away from a good job, or been unemployed for more than a couple of weeks. I’ve never collected unemployment. I worked my entire adult life, and throughout my kids’ childhoods, taking on different roles at the library to accommodate our needs as a family.

While on this sabbatical, my plans were to continue my side hustle - teach memoir classes, coach writers, and do freelance editing and consulting. This went well for a while. I did take on quite a few projects, worked with some awesome writers, and earned just enough to cover operating expenses.

Being a stay-at-home-mom is what I really focused on, though. The CFO and family budget queen, procurement specialist, chef, chauffeur, housekeeper, psychologist, organizer, worrier, photographer, laundry-doer, sandwich-maker, snack-maven, errand-runner, in-house barber, cake-baker, and holistic wellness coach for the family.

I’ve loved every minute of it. What a gift - we got to spend good time with our kids as a family, and not just in the margins of two careers.

Over these past four years, I’ve had good time to reflect on my priorities, as a mom, wife, and creative person. I’ve had time to really examine my money issues and beliefs. I’ve always earned a paycheck, and I’ve always WANTED to earn a paycheck. What is my value if I’m not earning for the family? Am I OK depending on my husband, financially? Is this good for us? Is this good for me? What do I bring to the table?

As I’ve thought about it, I’ve realized that all the invisible work I’ve done caregiving and housekeeping and cooking and mothering DO have real value, immense value. This work had value to me, to my family, to my home environment, to my peace of mind. My kids are solid. My marriage, strong. Being a stay-at-home mom enriched our family in numerous, non-monetary ways.

I was lucky to be able to have the choice. I am lucky to have a husband who supported the choice. But, like, we also worked for it and planned well.

And I realized: I don’t have to bring anything to the table.

I AM THE TABLE. I’ve provided stability, comfort, safety, nourishment, empathy, and abundance. We are raising up humans, here.

For this season of my life, it has actually been my MOST IMPORTANT work.

–

I woke up six months ago and knew that my sabbatical needed to end. Kid going off to college, hub eyeballing his retirement in a few years.

I love the idea of being a savvy entrepreneur and working from home, but the reality is: I’m a paycheck person. I need a paycheck to support my family AND my writing.

I also realized: I don’t have a message. I just want to write my books and work on my projects.

As much as I enjoy helping other writers - I’ve realized for now that I don’t want to work on other people’s projects. I don’t want to send marketing emails. I don’t want to teach classes. I don’t want to coach or work as an editor. I don’t want to write copy, I don’t want to build webpages, or create sales funnels, do lots of Zoom calls, or record videos.

Unless it’s regarding me, my writing, my books, for my audience. And I’ll figure that out as I go. I need to finish something - anything - first.

I wrestled with this truth for a few months, tried to rework it into something compelling to monetize, but it always comes down to my feeling that while I know I do have some unique talents and gifts - there are other writing helpers, coaches, editors, and specialists who are skilled at connecting with people and getting their message out to their audience, and who have a lot more energy, focus, and enthusiasm for that kind of work than I do.

I can monetize myself again with a regular old day job. Like, duh.

AND IT’S 100% OK. Not all of us are built for the freelance hustle. At least, not in this season of my life.

I don’t feel bad about it at all. In fact, I feel enlightened and relieved.

–

Once I decided that my sabbatical was over, I started applying for jobs right away.

At first, I wanted something part-time and flexible, and I’ve never been a snob about jobs. I worked fast food as a teen, then retail and sales - I’ve sold shoes, cosmetics, custom furniture, insurance, jewelry, appliances. I’ve waitressed at Chili’s and I’ve been a cashier and admin at Whole Foods. I’ve worked at numerous temp agencies. I’ve been a legal assistant, an executive assistant, a library assistant, and customer service assistant at a bank.

I envisioned myself like the great Barbara Ehrenreich, author of Nickel & Dimed - able to go out and do just about any job, consider it an interesting experience, and use it in a book or to further my writing somehow.

Like, I don’t care if I have a Master’s degree. A job is a job. Maybe I should go sell cars? Maybe I should go get my insurance license again? Find something at Costco? The job market is either awful or terrible depending on who you get your news from.

I also considered being a nanny, a pet-sitter, a family helper/chef/meal-prepper.

But I started thinking about it.

I am 54 years old. I haven’t worked a day job in four years. If I’m going to get showered, dressed, ready, and out of the house with pants on, - and a bra! - I’ll need to use my degrees to get within striking range of a decent paycheck.

Let’s get this kid through college and this man retired. Yeah baby!

I won’t be able to work a day job forever - and I won’t want to. Now is the time.

–

Six months. That’s how long I’ve been at the job hunt. I started applying in April.

For each job I applied for, I tweaked my resume and wrote a unique cover letter. For as much as I hate writing sales copy - I did OK at doing this. A lot of work, but hey, what else am I doing with my life?

First, I applied as an admin to the dean of a big school at Arizona State University: Nothing.

Then, I applied as an investigative assistant in a local police department: Nothing.

Then, for the heck of it: as a librarian with a local adjacent municipality: Nothing

Then, as a library operations supervisor with a different municipality: Nothing

Then I applied as an archival assistant at Arizona State: I GOT AN INTERVIEW, but I wasn’t selected because they reclassified the job into an academic professional position as an archivist, which I reapplied for last month, but still: Nothing. However, the pay is super-low. Embarrassingly low. But to be an archivist…sigh.

Then I applied as library manager at a far-away branch 25 miles away: I GOT AN INTERVIEW, A SECOND INTERVIEW and didn’t get the job. I was crushed, yet grateful. Grinder of a commute.

Then I went for a Library manager position at a smaller, closer branch: Nothing. Gah.

I applied for an insurance sales position with a big carrier - something I could do from home, and I GOT AN INTERVIEW - but I had such an bizarre experience with a person in another country whom I could barely understand and who was using some kind of AI to record my answers, and then made me repeat my answers multiple times, who then called me on a SUNDAY MORNING at 6:30am to arrange a second interview for later that day so I could prep for the third interview with a hiring manager later that week - well, I didn’t even bother to call them back. Sundays are mine, fuckers.

Then I applied for a Reference Librarian job with the State of Arizona. Nothing.

Then, I applied as a librarian with a Tribal Library. I GOT AN INTERVIEW.

The interview did not go well.

Why? When prepping for the interview, I couldn’t find their library web page on the main website, and when I did find it, it was five-clicks deep. The activity calendar hadn’t been updated since May of last year. I found two storytimes a month listed in a newsletter in the Parks & Rec department, but it was buried. When I found the Catalog, it looked like a free version from a vendor, had a bunch of drop-down menus and was barely functional. Their Facebook page wasn’t helpful at all.

This is like Librarianship 101. Ranganathan’s 4th Law: Save the time of the user/reader.

When I expressed my findings to my interviewers during a question, and that I’d advocate for placing a “Library” link on their main webpage, and doing a few tweaks to link up the catalog to make it easier to find, they shared with me that the tribe had just spent the past TWO YEARS re-doing and updating their entire website, newsletter, and social media.

Oopsie.

At the end of the interview when I had a chance to ask questions, I asked what challenges the new librarian might face, one lady looked at me and said:

“Our users generally don’t like outsiders.”

Not surprising - I never heard back from them.

Then I applied for a Librarian job with the City of Phoenix and I GOT AN INTERVIEW - but I declined it when they wanted me to give a 15 minute presentation on outreach and programming. Naw. I ain’t got no time for that. Let the young whippersnappers have at it.

–

In early August as we were moving our daughter to college, I applied for a Library Supervisor position at a branch not too far away.

Perfect job. Perfect opportunity.

I GOT AN INTERVIEW.

I GOT A SECOND INTERVIEW.

I START THE JOB NEXT WEEK.

It almost feels like a miracle. A MIDLIFE MIRACLE.

And get this - my salary will be higher than when I left my career four years ago. Say wha??

I’m completely astonished, actually.

I am also relieved and excited and so grateful.

My Library Confidential book is still simmering while I go live out the last chapters of it. I am eager to finish it and I have a lot of drafting done, but I realize - I was writing from an open wound. I need to let things scar over a bit more.

The new job and paycheck will help with this. I think it will help immensely.

My Papa Project book has been coming in hot - I don’t know if it’s a memoir, a history, or a narrative non-fiction project, but I’ll sort it out as I go. It feels good to get into the flow again.

I feel like I’m getting my groove back.

I’m getting back on the horse that threw me off.

I am officially declaring that my Midlife Crisis is over.

My self-imposed library exile has ended. The Mothership has called me home.

I am rejoining my people.

My season in the abyss is done.

The Metalhead Librarian rides again.